Haven't Said Much About This Because...You Know, Security...

But if you've been following along via FB and Knitty, it's been a rotten, rotten week.

And I couldn't say why. Now I can. Hubby left for a training course in Frankfort on Sunday. It's just been me on single-parent duty with Bea 24/7, then Max in the evenings.

If this doesn't sound like a big deal to you, then you're not understanding the situation. I have two very demanding children. Bea is 7.5 months and just starting to crawl. Max has an hour of homework every night (in second grade!) and the attention span of a tse tse fly...plus he's on the training team for Olympic Whining. I live in Where the Fuck, Germany with only 1 other American family up the road (and I rarely see them). I'm completely "immersed" and every day I get just a little more humiliation when I go out to do the simplest tasks (like the grocery, the post office, the backeri) because I can barely communicate. After two years in Germany (and three classes), my grasp of the language is rudimentary at best, and those of you who say "total immersion is the best way to learn!" have never tried it with Bayerish and can go suck it.

I am completely isolated here and have, despite hubby's strong promises against it, become, in essence, a military wife. Only my base is 90 minutes away. And Max's school is 40 minutes away (an hour each way by bus, so he leaves at 7.30 and gets home anywhere from 4.30-5.00) so I don't have a school community to associate with right now. I have NO community near me, no one I can call and say, Bea is driving me batshit crazy...please come over and have a coffee with me before I lose it completely.

I have become maid, domestic servant, nanny, cook, and events organiser, all jobs at which I suck and resent doing. My days revolve around when Bea takes her naps and has her shits and needs to eat. On top of this, because mail comes to hubby's work, I haven't even had that form of communication. People have said to me, But don't you like spending that precious time with your daughter?? You don't get those days back! And my reply is that I probably would enjoy it a bit more if I had some other mums to pal around with. But I don't. I was thrust into this situation with promises that weren't kept, and I resent it deeply.

Bea started to get sick on Sunday night after himself left and has been sick ever since with a head cold...which she has now given to me. When she hasn't been eating or sleeping, she's been screaming. A few times I screamed back at her. I'm not proud of it, but in my mind it's better than hitting her.

So when I say this week has been horrific, I'm not exaggerating. I actually envy those who have to make up drama to get attention because I would LOVE to have that much free time.

Because Bea has been sick, she's woken up a lot in the night crying and has gotten up an hour earlier to feed than normal. I've gotten very little sleep. Max's bus is supposed to come at 7.51, and it's been coming at 7.35, so he has to be out there pretty early, and I stand with him with Bea in her pushchair. It's not a wonder to me that I got sick...I'm completely worn down and resentful because this is not the first time hubby has had to travel, not by a long shot, and it's NOT the deal I signed on for.

Since moving here, I haven't been able to work (don't get started on the German regulations for Americans working here...), so I've become the one thing I've never wanted to be, and that's a SAHM. When Bea is screaming her head off for the second hour in a row and my own head is pounding from sinus pressure, all I can think of is how I once had a budding teaching career with a lot of respect and students who still refer to me as "the best teacher ever". I remember all the horrible stuff I went through in Uni and how hard I worked for my independence, how proud I was when I bought my first car and moved into my first flat right after graduation, completely on my own, and I wonder where it all went even though I vowed on my sanity I would NOT wind up like this.

Hubby points out, "But you're here in GERMANY...! That has to make a difference?" and it really doesn't because of the language barrier...it's as isolating as anywhere else. I've come to learn that despite my outsider upbringing, I'm still a pack animal and feel sad and vulnerable without people I like around me. And I'm not meant to be a single parent and never want to be.

And the kicker? Hubby and I chatted each night, and after the first two nights he says to me, "Y'know, this class isn't turning out to be all that great after all..." as he sits in his hotel room claiming to be bored after a night out at good restaurant which involved heaping piles of food and a lot of bier. Last night when he said this, I replied rather waspishly, "I would LOVE to be bored, dear...LOVE it." And what really stings is that now I sound just like all those other mums out there, complaining about the same things, that despite a century of progress, most of us wind up stuck back in the home with the baby screaming in our ears.

I acknowledge that things now are easier than they were, say 30 years ago. I was chatting with my Dad last night (strangest thing is that after 39 years of my being on this planet, he and I have finally found a way to communicate), and he said, Hey, it's easier than what my mom had, isn't it? Absolutely. But the isolation is still there. What hasn't changed is millions of women, all over the world, standing looking out of their windows at the other houses or people and wondering if all those folks are as lonely and miserable as they are. Or thinking that everyone else has got it right and is living a happy fulfilled life and we somehow missed the mark. Wondering what would happen if we could just reach out a little, if we'd find welcome or be labelled a BAD MOTHER for wanting more than just domestic equilibrium and a babe or two.

I could handle all this if I hadn't gotten sick as well. And last night, in that odd way that happens when you're really sick, I couldn't sleep. I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling, wondering why my beloved Ativan had failed me, finally dropping off at 5.15 only to be woken by Bea's fussing at 7.30.

It's safe to say I'm counting the hours till hubby comes home. My parenting last night was awful (got McDonald's for dinner and we ate whilst watching a movie...ugh), and today, when Bea goes down for her nap, I'm headed right back up to bed telling Max he's free to build with his Legos in his room for as long as he likes. Hubby knows when he comes in the door, he's taking over, and that I'm going up to bed and not coming out till Monday morning when I'm well again.

10 months, and I'm gone from here and in a house that I can actually choose and not have assigned to me. I can stop this all and have a place to call, tentatively, home.