WTF Fridays: Rules in Germany

Goodness, but do they ever love a rule here in Germany. It's where all rules are born, then sent out to the mission field of the less civilised world outside of Germania, like ripples on a pond where a stone's just been chucked.

Germans are absurdly law-abiding and self-regulating. They obey the rules without much hassle and they expect you to not only be aware of the rules but to heed them like they do...that is to say, without question. This lends to a very safe society which controls itself rather well. Here in Bavaria and most parts of Munich, where the summer days are long and light until around 11pm, you will see kids in the park playing with importunity or walking along the street by themselves. School kids regularly take the SBahn/UBahn/public transport home alone once their classes have let out. I mean, little kids, like 6 years old, not just teenagers. And no one will raise an eyebrow. In fact, the prevailing attitude isn't Stranger Danger...it's more of a We Look After Our Children And You Should Too sort of thinking.

Along that note, you will very, very rarely see a child tearing through a store or a restaurant screeching and generally making everyone miserable with their poor behaviour. It just doesn't happen here, and on the off-chance that were to occur, the child would be whisked away from the public place until he/she could calm the hell down, lest the manager approach you and advise you strongly to remove your screaming child from the establishment immediately.

The way it should be, in other words, for a civilised way of doing things.

In fact, it may surprise you that pets are on equal footing with children. I recently had a lovely meal at a rather swank place in a nearby spa town, and on my way to my table I noticed a man sitting with his family at a table...and at his feet a large brown dog reclined, snoozing happily. We stayed about two hours, and all that time, I didn't hear a peep from the dog. This sort of thing happens all the time: I'll go into the Obi (local DIY store) and see people doing their shopping with their dogs on a lead. Whenever they stopped, the dog obediently sat at their feet; when the human moved off, the dog followed.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Of course the dog is well-trained. He's GERMAN. They love that sort of thing. They love order and discipline. They love oppression. That's what lead to YOU KNOW WHAT!"

Hang on there, cowboy, before you go places where you don't know the roads.

The Germans hold themselves to a higher standard because of their past. That's very true. Most modern Germans are deeply ashamed of recent history and see it as their job to prove that they are beyond it by being better in everything: better educated, better in business, better in maintaining a peaceful society. Ask them. Ask them about WWII, and nearly all of them (oddballs aside) will lower their heads with shame, even if anyone in their family who had anything to do with WWII are dead, and tell you they atone by showing they are no longer like that. Or, like my neighbours who are approaching 80 tole me, they will say that if they did not obey, they would've been shot. Or been forced to watch as their parents, neighbours, friends, and other relatives were shot. Or raped to death. Yeah, it really was like that.

Did you know it's illegal to display a swastika in any way, shape, or form? You will find your ass in jail if you are connected with a public showing of one or engaged in any kind of Neo-Nazi activity. You also cannot mention the word "Nazi" in public. It's equal in poison to nigger, chink, wop, sand nigger, or any other racial epithet you care to think of, and Germans will not hesitate to ring the Polizei to haul your ignorant self away because proprieter will most certainly not want to be known as the place where that sort of thing is discussed.

They also have very few parades showing German pride because it's still reminiscent of the Nazi Pride parades. School kids do not wear uniforms because it smacks of the Hitler Youth. Don't tell me Germans aren't aware of their reputation.

So yes, Germans like rules and order because it reminds them of how important it is to maintain them and how it creates a strong society that can repel the more dangerous elements that once decimated their country. Get that straight in your head, like I had to, and you'll understand what I'm on about.

Having said that, a few of the rules I could rather do without, but as they're entrenched in keeping the peace, it's difficult to separate the German from the Germans. Like most places in Europe, the rules are there because they've always been there...why should they be replaced or revoked?

1. You cannot wash your car or mow your lawn on a Sunday or a Ferientag (holiday). I can understand not wanting to disturb the peace of a lovely weekend, but mowing a lawn was a great Sunday afternoon activity where I grew up, as was washing a car. It was what you did at the weekend because you were too shattered or it was too dar to do so after work. You can mow between 8 and 6 on any given day except Sunday. You can get your car washed at any Waschstrasse for a nominal fee, but by gum, if you crank up that lawn mower even for maintenance purposes on a Sunday, the Polizei will be at your door within moments issuing a fine and a stern look.

2. No deposits in the Recyclehof after 6 on Werktags (work days), after 5 on Samstags (Saturdays), and none at all on Sonntags und Ferientags. Located around Germany are little sheds (Recyclehofs) with large receptacles for recyclables like clear, green, and brown glass and "Dosen" (metal/aluminium). People pull up and toss all sorts of bottles into these little containers, although there is a strict list of what can go in and what can't and what's more, you need to be a resident of the town where you're making your deposit, so to speak, or else a passing Polizei might ask you to take your garbage elsewhere.

The idea of limiting the time to make these deposits is to limit noise pollution, so you don't have crashing glass and cans ringing out along the block near residential areas first thing in the morning or late at night. Violating this particular ordinance in my town will result in a 1200 Euro fine ($1426.92 American). Funnily enough, the Germans don't include industrial lawn mowers roaring across public lands or street repair equipment screaming to life at 8 in the morning in the noise pollution category (but they will shut off promptly at 5 pm to sit down on a fence and have a beer).

3. Your dog cannot bark after 9 pm, between 1 and 3 pm, or before 9 am. This seems wildly absurd to anyone but a German.

4. No loud noises or disturbances after 9pm in residential areas. If you wish to party hardy, you must do so before 9pm. After that, you should retire inside to enjoy a glass of wine and a stimulating conversation in modulated tones.

5. It is illegal for one's car to run out of gas on the Autobahn. Yep. I think this is a symptom of the No Stopping on the Autobahn rule, but yes, if you run out of gas, you will be issued a hefty fine if you aren't killed first by someone tearing down the A8 doing 190 KPH.

6. Drink driving is illegal. This is pretty flaming obvious, but here's why I listed it. Germans have the highest volume of road traffic in any European country. On average, 20,000 accidents are year are caused by drink driving. A German reaches the legal age to drink at 16 years old (beer and wine). Take a moment to dwell on how those three facts intersect.

Now, a first offense results in revocation of a license until a court date can be set (sometimes takes a year), and either a hefty fine of up to $2,000 or jail time. And your name gets entered into a database of offenders...which potential employers can access. No "first offender, let me off please sir" caveats or traffic school options. This is some serious shit right here. And oh yeah, there are sobriety check points wherever you go. The Germans have no qualms about profiling, so the EuroDude with the wrap around sunglasses tooling along in his Porsche blasting some Pet Shop Boys will be the first to be pulled over and tested without just cause.

Personally, I kinda like the notion that the roads are pretty safe. I've been driving the Autobahn for nearly three years now, and I have witnessed maybe two accidents bad enough to jam up the works (and those were on long trips to Italy).

7. Every office must have a view of the sky. It's true, but I'm not sure how they enforce it. I've never made a study of how German architects actually pull this one off, but given enough spare time perhaps I might.

8. Lastly (and this one is of little consequence but it's funny as hell), cows have right of way in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. At the end of the day, the cows go ambling along the main drag in and out of the area and back up to the fields. Ga-Pa is a huge huge HUGE ski resort and spa area, so we're not talking a tiny little village with a few roaming bovines. This is an area that hosted the winter Olympics back in the 30s (and never lets you forget it) and is a very popular destination for ski-ers, snowboarders, shoppers, eaters, and general merrymakers (there's an excellent resort area there popular with internationals). It's also where one accesses the German side of the Zugspitze, the highest peak in the German Alps, an enormous tourist/skiing attraction.

A herd of slow-moving cows nicely gums up the traffic flowing in and out of Ga-Pa, but the notion of a Glückliche Kühe (happy cow) is so beguiling and important that the cows are given a wide berth and a lot of patience. The cows are free to wander up to you anywhere in the rural areas, in fact, and you can't really shift them until they're ready to go.

I've lived overseas long enough to know that with these laws, you don't have to understand them, you just need to obey them. And that your host nation will continue to live, move, and have its being with or without your commentary. In truth, I like the security the self-regulating society offers, one so secure that I once accidentally left my keys in the door all night without any repercussions. Had that been in my neighbourhood, the keys would've been stolen, duplicated, and distributed to every house in the area, then returned to the front door with a note telling me to have a great day.

Civility costs a lot, but it's worth even more. Some of my fellow Americans would hotly disagree that a few reneged civil liberties (limited freedom of expression, for example) are a violation of everything that America stands for, but I personally don't mind. It's a small sacrifice, one I don't miss, to govern one's tongue and actions in the name of a safe place to raise your kids, and it's one of the few things I will miss upon leaving Germany.

That and the beer. But that's another story.